Past, Present & Deer Park

A lot of stuff has been going on, and again my thoughts are all over the place.

Matt decided to start contacting me again Wednesday night. A lot of things were said which led me to believe he still had feelings for me. It was all completely out of left field and I had no idea where this was coming from. What's going to come out of this, I really don't know. A leopard doesn't change his spots so we'll see. It's clear that I wasn't over him; considering everytime I pass his exit on the Northern State, my hands ball up in little fists.

My best friend really isn't happy with this situation considering all that he put me through. As well as the fact that Matt's best friend is her ex who really fucked her over. I don't want to hurt her, or anybody, I'm just really confused myself.

I'm confused especially since I think I like Chris still.

I'm also beyond stupid. Like stupid isn't even the word for it. I really don't know how to keep my mouth shut. I always think I can have an actual conversation with my grandpa or mother without them flipping out or turning shit around on me last minute. I was really confused about what was going on with Matt, so I confided in my grandpa. At first, he seemed calm like he usually does, but then yesterday he told me he told my mom and they both weren't happy about it because they don't trust him, and blah blah blah. I'm not even doing anything with Matt & now they're all like "We don't trust you, we don't trust him, blah blah blah."

I was supposed to go to Ashley's house today. They thought I was going to go to Matt's. (?) Okay, Okay so I've done that shit before, but they never figured it out. AND they never asked for Ashley's number before to make sure that's where I was really going. That freaked me out, considering I do have to lie a lot of the time to have a normal social life. Hopefully they'll get over that little getting the number thing, or else my freedom will be cut even more than it is now.

I joined a stupid free dating site the other day. Another stupid decision.

My friend Cecilia said to me the other day, "It seems that you aren't happy if you don't have a man in your life." She wasn't being mean, but I think I agree with her. I always tried to act all feminist and be like: I DON'T NEED A MAN TO LIVE! But, I guess I'm realizing that may be true. Why? I haven't figured that out yet. I can blame the whole "never having a dad in my life" thing, but that would be taking the easy way out. I may/may not ever figure this shit out. And by shit, I mean myself.

In other news, (happier boy-less news): I started Deer Park yesterday. It was fantastic. I fit in right away, and caught onto things very fast. I obviously couldn't have taken in EVERYTHING in 5 hours, but it sure seemed like I did. If I want to learn something that I'm interested in, I will learn it. And fast. It's not AS busy as East Meadow, but the Children's Librarians are as friendly. I worked with Dawn, who is very intelligent and really knew her stuff. She was very nice. I had found out that I was chosen out of 50 applicants for this job. So I guess I have permission to feel highly of myself. I always knew this was the career I was meant to have. See, I don't need a man! I have my work! Ha-Ha. No.

Kathi (my new supervisor) told Dawn to have me look up Dinosaur coloring sheets and or handouts, games, etc. (October is National Dinosaur Month) So I was very eager to look up things that she'd like. A little too eager because I wound up crashing the computer. We had to de-bug the system. See, complete idiot.

I first started to realize that I was no longer just a Page when well, the Page actually came in to work. But besides the obvious, I looked at her and she was flighty and still in High School and I was the one on the opposite side of the desk with the dressy clothes, and she was in jeans. 2nd realization was when Dawn introduced me to everyone as Deer Park's new Children's Librarian. I was beaming like someone smacked the dork out of me.

I unfortunately don't go back until next week, but I'm looking forward to it all the same.

And all the other stuff? Headache. See? I always knew working at the library would be my silver lining somehow. Who knew?

Sleep is not being had.

Late at night I start to think about things and I can't stop because it's going at full force. Late at night I think about the weirdest things, things that make me really sad. For several months now, I think about my grandfather late at night. (That sounds creepy, but bear with me here). He's going on 85 , and every time I say goodnight to him, I have secret anxiety attacks that he won't wake up and it scares me half to death. Because of this, sometimes I try not to say goodnight to him so that I don't have to deal with these thoughts. Sometimes I can't fall asleep right away because of it. He likes to talk to me at night, and he says these sweet things to me which automatically erase the bad verbal abuse that he's done to me over the years. It's like during the day he could drive me crazy, but he can also be the sweetest old man. Especially at night. I feel bad that he doesn't have his wife next to him, laying there in his bed with him anymore, and maybe he gets sad at night, which makes me sad. I'm not sure what it is. I'm starting to really see his age because of his illnesses the past few weeks. He has been having horrible neck pain for the past 3 weeks for what we believe is a past war injury. It has hurt him before, but not for this long of a time. We're concerned because for 2 weeks he couldn't even drive. Also, since he already is only living with one kidney, we are keeping watch on the other one which has had a history of not working properly. Turns out, his numbers are extremely high, and if it continues he might need dialysis. Of course, I would give my kidney to him in a minute if he needed it.

There's a good chance I need therapy or something for this. It really worries me and makes me ill. I don't want to become like my mom; constantly worrying about everything all the time, but this is really different and I'm scared.

And The Beat Goes On..

I've come to the realization that I'm a total loser. How, you ask? Well, it is Friday night, and after getting out of work, I went over to CVS to pick up Peroxyl for my recently bleeding sore gums. (Clearly turned into Bleedin Gums Murphy from The Simpsons). I looked longingly at the bar Dugans and reluctantly went into CVS to buy my oral mouth wash. After getting in my car, I realized that at almost 22 1/2, I am far from living the life I need/want to live.

I also came to the realization tonight that the library that I've worked at for the past 4 years has been my life. My friends made fun of me for being way too over emotional about having to resign. (Oh, right so I got the job at Deer Park incase you haven't figured that out yet.) After telling a lot of my co-workers, and some of my patrons that I've become extremely close with, I realized that I'm now on "borrowed time". These next two weeks will be emotionally traumatizing. Ok, so I guess I'm being a tiny bit over dramatic. I know I'm not moving AWAY from EM, but it definitley won't be the same as it was. DP will not be better, but different. I'm ready for the change; which surprises me because I've never been good with change. But, I am kinda okay with the fact that I'm going to be making 25.00 an hour. Those kind of changes I am willing to accept with open arms.

And last but not least final realization of the evening is I most likely will not find a man to date in library school and/or working in a library. I am not saying this so that any of my readers will pity me, but just a thought. A thought that I will most likely be pondering all the way up to an online dating service out of desparity.

Another One Bites The Dust

After more ridiculous text messages last night, I texted him this morning saying that I really didn't think this was going to work. He didn't write back yet as usual, and I'm kind of hoping he doesn't so that I don't have to deal with it. I really thought that Chris was going to be different, (kind of like how I thought every guy would be) but the way things just changed SO fast and SO weird, I obviously thought wrong.

So, I guess I'll I have to say to all of this is. . "next!"

"Sometimes love comes around, and it knocks you down..get back up and it knocks you down''

I'm sitting here trying to figure out what's going on. I started talking to a guy named Chris last week. Everything was great, for the week. We texted constnanly, we sent pictures (dirty ones included), he sweet talked me to death. "You are my dream girl, you are so beautiful, i want to be with you.. etc, etc." We met on Monday night because he couldn't wait til' Tuesday night when we were supposed to see each other. He surprised me at the library and we sat outside and talked on my break, he hung out with me until the library closed. We went out to the beach after, and things seemed to be going okay. We kissed. (I think I definately pushed for it more than him). --I could be just paranoid.

After the evening was over, we continued the texting per usual, and was excited about the following night.

Tuesday came, and we went out for a very nice dinner at Ciao Baby. I got all dressed up in a very revealing dress, which was all I think he focused on. Dinner was very nice though, and we laughed. But that's all we did for the night. Laugh. I tried to talk to him about somewhat serious things. Just, ''what do your parents do?" and he answered me with: "sex.'' It was like that the whole evening, me trying to get him to answer a question appropriately, and him making a joke out of everything. I just didn't understand it. I still don't.

After dinner, we decided to go to the beach again. Where again things were akward because he barely spoke. He was extremely goofy. I mean don't get me wrong, he is a very funny guy. But it's REALLY goofy stuff. Like, " you didn't make me waffles.'' Just things where you kinda sit back and are like: "Um, what?" I was having a good time, but I didn't feel like LAUGHING about EVERYTHING like he was constanly. We kissed for a little bit, but I wanted more because 1.) he's a good kisser 2.) I was bored and 3.) He kinda wasn't making sense with his jokes.

I wound up giving him head in the backseat as a result. Yes, I know, not the most smartest thing I could have done. Afterwards, more of the same weird laughing and giddy goofy shit continued, with him singing to me and I was silent on the way home.

He held my hand which was nice, I just wish he was more calm.

The next day was where things got even weirder. He barely texted me throughout the day and when he did, it was random things like : "You don't want to kiss me!" and when I would text him back, he wouldn't answer me for another 2 hours or so and it would be another random comment. Things are just getting weirder and weirder.

I had went into bed at 11:30 PM last night, because I had been up this past week until 3:30 AM talking to him, so needless to say I was exhausted. He texted me and said: "Boob, what are you doing?" I said: "I'm not a boob." He said, "Okay, I'm sorry :(" I said, "Chris, do you not want to see me anymore?" He said: "I didn't say that boob" I said, "Okay I'm just getting a weird vibe." He said, "Why? You're silly." I said, "So, um you still like me?" And he said: "Yea (some weird pet name)."

Today, same thing kinda. I had called him at 1:45 PM and didn't realize he was still at work, and he said he'd text me after work. I wrote him back and said: "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were at work." He wroet me back and said: "It's okay beautiful." So I figured things we're getting back to normal. But then I asked him if he'd like to come over and watch a movie tonight or something, and he wrote back saying: "Yea we'll see boob" I said, "K.." and He said: "Mwah!" I've tried talking to him since, but things are extremely weird and I can't figure it out. It's really annoying me.

People have asked me if I even care since I only went out twice, and I obviously do. I like him yeah. But is he another liar? Another smooth talker? I really can't tell anything at this point. Guys like to completely change on me and I'm not sure what to do.

Of course I'm paranoid, with what happened with Brad & Matt. Maybe I shouldn't care so much so soon, but I'm just that type of person.

I'm feeling pretty down because I hate feeling like I'm being tossed around, which is EXACTLY why I got out of my last relationship.

I basically want a lot more than what I'm getting out of life right now.

Movin' On Up..to Deer Park?

Today, I finally got the call I was waiting for. I got a call from Deer Park Public Library to come in for the first round of interviews for the Children's Librarian Trainee position. I want this job sooo bad, and really am excited for September 1st to roll around. I'm trying not to get my hopes too high, but the Director of East Meadow had already spoken to the head of Children's at DP. Things are looking good & that's all I'll say about that, so as not to jinx myself even more.

I was extremely tired today, but was not able to take my usual nap. Maybe due to all the DP excitement?

I have a lot of things going on in my head though, but I'm not exactly how to word them. Maybe today's just not the time to write them out.

Just Like Julie

This is my very first ''blog post''. I saw "Julie & Julia" the other day, so I got in the mood to create one of these things. I definately will not be going through Julia Child's cookbook and making her recipes and blogging about that, but hopefully my blog/life will be just as exciting.

That's all for now.