Past, Present & Deer Park

A lot of stuff has been going on, and again my thoughts are all over the place.

Matt decided to start contacting me again Wednesday night. A lot of things were said which led me to believe he still had feelings for me. It was all completely out of left field and I had no idea where this was coming from. What's going to come out of this, I really don't know. A leopard doesn't change his spots so we'll see. It's clear that I wasn't over him; considering everytime I pass his exit on the Northern State, my hands ball up in little fists.

My best friend really isn't happy with this situation considering all that he put me through. As well as the fact that Matt's best friend is her ex who really fucked her over. I don't want to hurt her, or anybody, I'm just really confused myself.

I'm confused especially since I think I like Chris still.

I'm also beyond stupid. Like stupid isn't even the word for it. I really don't know how to keep my mouth shut. I always think I can have an actual conversation with my grandpa or mother without them flipping out or turning shit around on me last minute. I was really confused about what was going on with Matt, so I confided in my grandpa. At first, he seemed calm like he usually does, but then yesterday he told me he told my mom and they both weren't happy about it because they don't trust him, and blah blah blah. I'm not even doing anything with Matt & now they're all like "We don't trust you, we don't trust him, blah blah blah."

I was supposed to go to Ashley's house today. They thought I was going to go to Matt's. (?) Okay, Okay so I've done that shit before, but they never figured it out. AND they never asked for Ashley's number before to make sure that's where I was really going. That freaked me out, considering I do have to lie a lot of the time to have a normal social life. Hopefully they'll get over that little getting the number thing, or else my freedom will be cut even more than it is now.

I joined a stupid free dating site the other day. Another stupid decision.

My friend Cecilia said to me the other day, "It seems that you aren't happy if you don't have a man in your life." She wasn't being mean, but I think I agree with her. I always tried to act all feminist and be like: I DON'T NEED A MAN TO LIVE! But, I guess I'm realizing that may be true. Why? I haven't figured that out yet. I can blame the whole "never having a dad in my life" thing, but that would be taking the easy way out. I may/may not ever figure this shit out. And by shit, I mean myself.

In other news, (happier boy-less news): I started Deer Park yesterday. It was fantastic. I fit in right away, and caught onto things very fast. I obviously couldn't have taken in EVERYTHING in 5 hours, but it sure seemed like I did. If I want to learn something that I'm interested in, I will learn it. And fast. It's not AS busy as East Meadow, but the Children's Librarians are as friendly. I worked with Dawn, who is very intelligent and really knew her stuff. She was very nice. I had found out that I was chosen out of 50 applicants for this job. So I guess I have permission to feel highly of myself. I always knew this was the career I was meant to have. See, I don't need a man! I have my work! Ha-Ha. No.

Kathi (my new supervisor) told Dawn to have me look up Dinosaur coloring sheets and or handouts, games, etc. (October is National Dinosaur Month) So I was very eager to look up things that she'd like. A little too eager because I wound up crashing the computer. We had to de-bug the system. See, complete idiot.

I first started to realize that I was no longer just a Page when well, the Page actually came in to work. But besides the obvious, I looked at her and she was flighty and still in High School and I was the one on the opposite side of the desk with the dressy clothes, and she was in jeans. 2nd realization was when Dawn introduced me to everyone as Deer Park's new Children's Librarian. I was beaming like someone smacked the dork out of me.

I unfortunately don't go back until next week, but I'm looking forward to it all the same.

And all the other stuff? Headache. See? I always knew working at the library would be my silver lining somehow. Who knew?